“Are You There For Me?” Building Trust in Relationships.
Who are the people in your life that are there for you when you turn towards them for a bid to connect more often than not and when you need them the most?
The honeymoon period fades away. The attraction, emotions, and moments that once felt fresh and new become familiar. Love has fallen and it lands on the ground level of reality which is asking, “can I trust?” Falling in love can feel like a rollercoaster. You become excited as you get on the ride, your stomach drops on the first dip, and then another wave of excitement rises. Walking off the rollercoaster causes the emotions to start to subside and you start feeling like you want to share the moment with someone. You ask, “Who is there to hold my hand, and will they continue to be there when I need them?” “Will I be able to trust?”
I am training in and utilize the Gottman Method in my work with couples in Nashville, Tennessee. I use the method because it is based on a large amount of research that helps add to my understanding of what works more often than not in relationships and couples counseling. I feel it is my ethical duty to do what works most often and then adjust if it does not work. More information about the Gottman Method can be found on the website www.gottman.com. Gottman describes three phases to a relationship: falling in love, trust, and then commitment.
The rollercoaster of that falling in love phase comes from a spike in our body’s chemistry. Picture the rollercoaster of a new relationship including rises and dips of the chemical DHEA giving a natural amphetamine high for sex and to make your mind move faster, pheromones increasing attraction, oxytocin increasing the feelings of connection and trust (even if the other person is not trustworthy), PEA increasing those feelings of romance and love at first sight, estrogen increasing receptivity to others and softness, testosterone increasing feelings of aggression and lust, serotonin rising to create more emotional sensitivity and feelings of calmness, dopamine increasing excitement and joy, prolactin reducing aggression and increasing nurturing, and vasopressin boosting possessiveness and feeling a need for monogamy. What a ride! No wonder you may feel a little overwhelmed, maybe even sick, walking off the ride.
I am here to advocate the romance of the second phase of relationships, trust. The second phase is when you are walking through the amusement park of life pointing out all the attractions you see with the other person responding. Trust is built when the other person acknowledges what is seen, what is heard, and what is needed. The question underlying this phase in the relationship is this, “Will you be there when I turn towards you to meet my emotional and attachment needs?”
The relationship turns into a third phase of loyalty or betrayal based on the answer to that question. Getting the needs met in the relationship builds loyalty and rejection of those needs will foster an environment primed for betrayal. There is something romantic about the answer of the question, “will you be there” being met with a resounding “Yes!” A warning sign that trust is eroding is the need to negatively compare a partner to other possibilities to get needs met. Negative comparison around getting emotional needs met is the most common seed that grows into affairs.
John Gottman states that building trust is about building attunement in the relationship to each other’s needs. The acronym he uses is ATTUNE:
Awareness of partners emotions
Turning towards each other’s needs
Tolerance of other’s perspective
Understanding
Non-defensive responding
Empathy
A relationship that becomes attuned to each other’s emotional needs is a relationship that builds a strong foundation of trust. No couple is perfect and the ability to repair miscommunications is also vital to building trust over time. Each couple has a different definition of fairness and a large part of building trust is perceiving that the relationship is fair.
When walking through the amusement park in the second phase of a relationship, the main attractions are our core emotional needs. The question asked of the partner is, “Will you meet one of my core emotional needs?” Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist, found that the brain has seven primary emotional command centers or needs. Jaak Panksepp has a wonderful Ted Talk where he discusses these concepts in more detail.
He titles these centers of the emotional brain as the Jester, Sensualist, Nest Builder, Commander-in-Chief, Explorer, Energy Czar, and Sentry. The Jester deals with play and fun, Sensualist with sex, Nest Builder with friendship and nurturing, Commander-in-Chief with dominance and control, Explorer with learning and goal setting, Energy Czar with getting rest, food and staying healthy, and the Sentry with finding safety and avoiding danger. Our brain has each of these command centers and there are needs associated with each primary emotion that radiates out of these needs.
The seven emotional command centers lead into seven specific questions that can be asked related to meeting emotional needs within relationships and building trust:
Will you be there to play and have fun?
Will you be there to meet sexual needs?
Will you be there to be a friend and care?
Will you be there when things are out of control?
Will you be there in adventure and growth?
Will you be there in sickness and health?
Will you be there when I am afraid?
Trust grows in the answer to these questions. Relationships can be healing when they are securely built on trust. The need to ask these questions grows when there have been relationship or attachment wounds in the past. Betrayal makes it hard to trust that these questions can be answered consistently by another person. Secure attachment occurs when these needs are met at an early age. The ability to trust is wounded and turns into anxiety and avoidance if the answer to these questions has been “no” for a long time, especially if the answer came from caregivers. You get to choose self-compassion around the reason why asking these questions is hard, and what makes answering these questions hard. We are all human, and trying our best to get our needs met and be there to meet the needs of others.
What is more romantic than meeting each other’s emotional needs in love through the continued habit of saying and showing I am here? The foundation of trust grows into a house of loyalty as the years melt away.