The Lost Story of Co-Dependence
The elephant in the room or untold, hidden stories.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell a story. The details they focus on, the emotions they convey, and the way they craft meaning into the story. You can also learn a lot about what is left out of the story. Computers can process data extremely fast. What they lack compared to the human brain is the ability to quickly process and tell stories. Our stories are what make us human and our stories are one of our greatest strengths. Dr. Roger Schank is an expert in artificial intelligence and according to him, “Humans are not ideally set up to understand logic, they are ideally set up to understand stories.”
What is co-dependence if not a story that is missing the central protagonist of the storyteller’s self? Co-dependence can form from a combination of learned behavior, biological temperament traits, roles within a family or larger system, systemic racism, sexism, oppression, as a result of coping and survival, and more. The stories of others become more important to your survival and coping than your own. Listen to the stories you tell. Are they about other’s problems, the way others feel, the things others believe, the thoughts others have, and the way that others affect you? Where did your story become lost in all of this?
Where did your story go? Often, I can begin to pick up on co-dependence if the stories are about how distressing others’ emotions or beliefs have become. I begin to ask myself what is missing in these stories. Mental health begins to circle down the drain and cycle into painful thoughts and feelings when identity and story rely more on others.
Social anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-harm, depression, and low esteem often begin with a narrative about us that our story does not matter or that our story is shameful and judged. Social anxiety hinges around fear of rejection and loss of relationship if others do not accept our story. Suicidal ideation and self-harm around the idea that the pain within our stories is not valid and that our story is meaningless. Depression manifests in grief that comes from being physically and mentally stuck with an inability to live out our ideal story. Low self-esteem comes from a comparing our story to others and feeling that it is judged negatively and not worthy.
The antidote to co-dependence is ownership of your own story. The ability to craft a story about yourself based in self-differentiation and independence of other’s ownership over your story. The problems, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and actions of others still matter within the story; however, the story’s protagonist is not someone else, but you. The story is about how you took responsibility for the problem, accepted and listened to your own thoughts and emotions, and then acted in a way consistent with your beliefs and identity.
To anyone that lives within a co-dependent story of themselves this is not an easy change. Years of survival, coping, abuse, learned behavior, and others telling you your story does not matter will make it hard. However, there is growth and hope in learning that the stories you tell can become ones you are confident to tell. That your story and life matters. When you tell a story about yourself full of emotion, full of conviction, and full of resilience, others will take notice of your testimony of life. The story you have witnessed and experienced directly. Your truth. I have hope that can be true for you and that the way you tell stories can change to include your truth, not just others truth.